fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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