I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
