Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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