the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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