I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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