from now on my penis is your penis
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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