it's too hot outside to masturbate.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
