i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
