he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
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