I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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