after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
