I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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