When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Randomize
