Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
