Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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