I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
hell yes lets make some ravioli
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
