hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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