HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
