dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied