i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
pop tarts are not kleenex
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
