Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
