i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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