dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
