he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
