Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
why does every cop we meet know your name?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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