I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
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