hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
