All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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