Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
