my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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