she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
you made out with another girl for some wings
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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