Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
