I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
