My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
