I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
This is the prime rib incident all over again
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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