you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
