I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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