apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
