I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
