so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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