he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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