Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
