Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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