Define "chronic" masturbator.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
