My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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