How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i will never coherently bang her
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
