now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Pants are for mortals
Randomize
