Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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