Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
