i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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