I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
