i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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