Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
