oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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