i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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