I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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