so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Randomize
