The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
