I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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