You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
How's work?
Spinning.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
We have started to decorate penises.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
